close your eyes and tap your heels together 3 times...

I want to do this only to find where I end up when I say "there's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home." Where is home? My heart is in Ricky today. I cried tonight as I thought of leaving this new home.

The pub is somewhat of "Cheers" atmosphere - "where everybody knows your name" and all. I love that. There is a lot of work to do to make the pub really thrive and I am torn between wanting to dig my heels in and be part of a really positive change from within the pub and moving on to a different industry for my next professional step.

I have people who will defend me if someone winds me up too much or steps over the line at the pub. I have friends that want to make sure I'm happy and invite me into their lives enough to celebrate promotions and big days for them. I have intertwined my life with people here. Are they all kindred spirits that have deep talks about our souls and spiritual ponderings? No, but I don't think you find that in every place you go and under every roof. I have a handful of people I can share those things with and I value them greatly - all of them currently living thousands of miles away from me.

So what makes us stay in one place vs. another? I applied for a job in Durango, one of the coolest towns in my opinion, at a university doing leadership programing for college students - hello! sounds superb, right? Then I think about what I'm leaving, and who I'm leaving here and my heart sinks.

I won't miss being objectified at the pub; always feeling like being an American female sets the expectation of some sex-crazed, straight out of the "OC" type girl. I will be glad to drive my car and see people back home. I will miss being called Albuquerque by the Fosters boys because thats the only city my friend Dave could think of in relation to NM. I'll miss old man Johnny T - the oldest perv I've ever met that still makes me smile because I know he's lonely in there and just wants to see a pretty face smile back at him sometimes. I won't miss the anti-American comments I hear every week. Those got old real fast. I will miss my friends. I'll miss getting fruit at one little store, eggs at another, soy milk at Iceland, sausage at the butchers, film at the photo shop, bread at the bakery and cookies at M&S. It makes me appreciate Wal-Mart while also being regretful for feeding into a system that eliminated the local grocers that make life more personal.

So maybe I haven't reached the point where people here know that I pee my pants more frequently than most 24-yr olds, that I like sports, am the middle of five children, have a passion for thoughtful living and laughter, etc. etc. but I feel like I am at the foundation of those relationships - like that is on the horizon but I'm squelching it. This is the point where I try to logic my way through by putting a value on this experience v. that one, or NM v. here. ugggh. Life is full of these crossroads and I have a feeling that, as long as you have invested in a place, it will be difficult to say good-bye and different to say hello to the next place you land.

I used to pray for someone to help me narrow options down - a husband, a dog, something that eliminates an option or necessitates another, but today it seems like that other variable may not be what I need.