city...

my bff since childhood, megan, flew in thursday from her round-the-world tour. I decided to surprise her and join the welcome wagon... in NYC. Last minute super sweet ticket on Wednesday and flight on thursday. Hometown friends- sean, sy and solomon plus megs sis are all part of the festivities. Its snowing in NYC right now. Happy Holidays!

roommates

I am blessed with some great roommates. Last night we (female roommates) recapped the weekend, talked about the ponderings we've had, areas we are working on and laughed at our awkwardness. This is family.

Ruidoso = Leah’s roots.

I was driving back to the downs (named such for the horse race track) and a moment of clarity regarding my roots came about. I was returning from a hike in the woods with my mom and ruby (who is amazing) in which we searched for pine knots (full of sap so they burn better and more fragrant) and pretended to be tall pine trees, swaying in the wind (ruby was the best at this). We collected enough to barely carry back to the cars. After our adventure I played 9 holes of disc golf with one of my best friends, his gf and dad amidst the trees and vegetation we grew up roaming through. And this is what launched my roots thoughts. Some of my roots I have prayed to be like that of the Enset tree in Ethiopia, so shallow that the tree is easily uprooted and therefore these habits or family traits won’t be part of my story forever (we all have a list I’m sure). Other roots I imagine weaving together, deep into the ground and anchored among rocks so massive that my life will forever represent these traits and traditions.

Roaming through the forest with my mom and Ruby reminded me of when I was Ruby’s age and my parents took us along while they cut wood for the winter. My older two siblings and I would be left to create a world where each tree bore fruit to be used in a potion or soup we might all imbibe, rationed of course, since we were castaway children left to fend for ourselves (imagination of a child… why did we always want to be orphans?). We created a world in the great outdoors and hours later we’d all pile into my dad’s truck and return home. Those are the roots that are still thriving as Ruby and I pretended to be trees in the wind and had to hunt for food before returning to the car. Thank you mom and dad for giving me roots… a stage for my imagination, a love for the high desert wilderness, and a vision for great things amidst simplicity.

from one of my kinder boys:

Thanksgiving is a time when you get together and share love.

yum

Last night Calley and I ran errands then fixed up a quick delicious dinner - sauteed shrimp in butter and garlic (did i mention it was oh so healthy?). Then, this morning we were practically snowed in (then the roads melted and it was only a feat to get from house to car) so I thought I should bake something for breakfast!! We had eggy dutch babies with homemade colorado peach syrup (i accidentally thawed my frozen peaches out yesterday so had to use them) and powdered sugar. Delicious and hearty for the snowy morning. Oh! And my roomie made some hot mulled cider. Winter wasn't so bad this morning. Last but not least, for lunch I steamed kale, cooked brown rice and "borrowed" some goat cheese for a scrumptious lunch - brown rice then kale, drizzled with seasoned rice vinegar and olive oil then topped with chunks of goat cheese.

These are my favorite weekends, those in the kitchen with friends. yum.

juice and my favorite part of the day

I juiced for the staff this morning. We had an abundance of fruits and veg leftover from our food service so I brought the juicer to school this morning. Yum. Some weren't so keen on carrots in liquid form, but carrot/apple is my fave!!


And now for my favorite part of the day: Relay races!
Lunch recess has a tendency to be chaotic, lacking much structure and on Fridays it resembles a war zone. Last week a 3rd grader challenged me to a race to which I responded "lunch recess. black top. be ready." We met on Tuesday for the battle of speed. I barely won. Then a 4th grade girl wanted to race (she beat me. I'm getting old.). Then most of the 4th grade wanted to race. Then there were too many to span the black top so I turned it into a relay - 6 lanes, 4 on a team and 3-4 officials. They loved it. I loved it. I was smiling at recess, which is rare. Good day.

ruby's growing up!

my beautiful little niece is growing up! Look at that contemplative glance.

if you do what you've always done you'll get what you've always gotten

trying a different approach...

boys. man its been a struggle to maintain optimism in a world of heartache and brokenness. God is good and has a plan of redemption for each person He crafted. I shouldn't be shocked when a student has the same last name as his/her parent and sibling(s). I fail. I have treated myself with little respect in the same moment i speak of a hope to be treated better by another person. hard work ahead... discipline, for the hope of something more.

I tried something different and whether a date comes from it or just one day of practicing more respect for myself I think I'll tack it up as a small victory. AND I'm starting a book club with some girl friends. It's easy for conversations with girlfriends to simply settle on the topic of the opposite sex so I'm initiating a book club to encourage each other in other ways - learn new perspectives about each other, read something interesting and nurture more aspects of women than our marryability (just made that up).

Trying new things... with relationships in general.

A wise woman (wendy s.) once told me that there are three things in life - things you can change, things you can influence and things you can do nothing about. Most of our emotional energy is spent on the things we can do nothing about.

I am working on not absorbing. Play tennis v. basketball. Redemption of self rather than my attempt to save the world (i realize God doesn't need my direction as much as I think sometimes). I think this is more useful as well.

Trying something different... with my friend Jesus.

I looked back through pictures during my most "centered" time I can pinpoint. I was doing the pre-major-break-up-life-questioning thing, senior in college, heart aching in a way that God was my life source and therefore pray without ceasing was realistic. My mentor was also my yoga instructor and her husband my boss and they, together, led me through critical moments marked by confidence in Jesus' redemption and providence.

today. i am practicing turning the music/radio off on my way to work and talk to God. I'm working on conversation. I'm going to church. I'm faced with my own inadequacy to conquer current struggles. Again, this is where faith is necessary and I am reaching, reaching and making myself reach for fear of what might come about if I continue to depend on my own strength. I called a few good girl friends and cried, prayed and felt relief for the first time in a while. God is good. He is in the work of redemption... of my heart, lives, and this beautiful place.

you need to watch me

One of our teachers is out so i'm subbing first grade today. One of the little girls, as she's walking into the room, says "Ms. Miller, you need to watch me real close because I might need to go home again today. I've been sick." Thank you for letting me know.

Last night Meg G. and I cleaned out the last of our apartment. I jokingly said it was the end of an era... but it's been a significant year in that little apartment. I went to bed too late after hanging out with my 4 roommates in our big house, laughing at each other (micah sneezed with such enthusiasm I thought he had chopped a finger off. Sarah was beaming with energy none of us knew what to do with. Brandon was stoked on his new baby... a big TV we initiated by watching The Hangover. And, Meg K laughed as Micah freaked and I dished about time with an interesting boy.)

I like the start of year 2. You need to watch me real close because I might... do great things... ask questions without answers... laugh till my cheeks hurt... celebrate friends... cook something delicious... cry over something I'll laugh at later...

I'll watch you real close because you might ____________?

new pic. new year.

cam commented on the new pic - the open road. This was taken on a drive with my mom through northern NM this summer. And, this is year 2 in Denver. Thoughts on this to come in a long self-disclosing post soon.

x L

fall

when it snowed last week someone said, "oh its fall now"

or when we wondered whether we were idiots to not turn on the heat when we were bundled in slocks and slippers galore.

or when i wore a scarf for warmth instead of an accessory.

But today, the autumn I l.o.v.e came. Yesterday Micah (one of my 4 new roomies) and I walked out the door in our somewhat normal carpool schedule and he was exclaiming that the day was wonderful and all because our view of the pond was so nice and blah blah blah. I was growling for lack of sleep, swollen throat and bad attitude bc I had to sub. Yes, admittedly different attitudes. So, back to today. It was different. 1. I gave myself more than 5 minutes to get dressed. 2. I walked out of the house in a skirt (with a scarf, just in case) and smelled the fallen leaves, watched some of them blow across the sidewalk. 3. I smiled as I looked to my right at a gorgeously golden tree, boldly proclaiming fall.

This is when fall begins for me... the leaves changing. warmth lingering with a cool breeze. sun shining, still kissing our cheeks but only enough to warm your soul and lightly toast my skin. I smiled. I then texted Micah to get out of bed and soak in our front porch view bc it was perfect today and I've been giddy ever since.

i should post a picture of this day. my camera is in pieces in a box on my bed. i'll make it happen though. you need to see this.

awesome amigos

I have great friends! The school playground has been likened to a prison yard until a week ago when several wonderful friends of mine joined in for a paint-party. Here are some pics of the first week of school, kids excited about the new look!

happy thought.

The farmhouse.. or at least one view. I'll post a panoramic pic later, but isn't it lovely?!

Frustrating moment this morning. As trivial as it may be in a few hours, currently I am trying to think happy thoughts because after all it only takes one to make you fly, right?

We drove all morning on not much sleep. I was smooshed back in “my hole” behind Pottsy’s seat and his outstretched 6’3” body. We drove to somewhere near Bournemouth, playing guessing games with pop music and enjoying the strange glances of folks wondering why we had a pew strapped on the truck also pulling a caravan. Jon loved the attention.

One long ferry ride later (it was less like a cruise and more similar to a greyhound or train) we landed in Cherbourg and set off for Dinan. We arrived the Wednesday before the summer solstice so the day was barely ripening at 5pm. A bit groggy still, the boys got the caravan (translation: camper van) level (during the night we realized they’re not good at leveling) and I went after the weeds. Apparently Jon hadn’t been to his farmhouse in quite a long time. We had a few days to prepare the land and house for a dozen of our friends from Rickmansworth to join us on their holiday.

After a couple hours we moved on to burning Laurel trees. Jon had hired someone to cut the branches, but with the guidance of a neighbor he ended up leveling all of jon’s trees! They had also fallen on said neighbor’s farmland and blocked the tractor path so we jumped on it. After hauling and burning till our bodies were scraped and hands raw, we sat down around 11 that night for a steak dinner, grilled nicely on the propane stove in the caravan. My legs were scraped up but I finally felt like I’d given back to Jon after he’s been so generous, both this trip and when I was renting a room from him in England. We took deep breaths and soaked in the sunset… a warm summer night at a farmhouse in France after a long day’s work. My entire body smiled at this moment.

Three tired amigos

we decided to hit the town...

my dear friend jon

quote for thought

Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.

Calvin Coolidge, President of The United States.


thoughts on this quote? I just started my job. My legs have been achy due to lack of movement as I have returned to a desk (though i won't be in it ALL the time don't worry) after a few weeks of adventuring around and working at the restaurant. My mind is pulled several directions and the humming question of how to set myself up for success is imminent. I saw this quote yesterday and have been wondering on it. Tell me your thoughts.

ps I'll write and post pics from the amazing time in england and france in the near future:)

londontown

i get to see my wonderful friend Kristina in less than a week!!!

In the midst of my questionable depression/anxiety I cashed in my advantage miles and sublet my apt for a few weeks. I'm going to London to visit my dear friend Kristina before she pops out a cute little welsh/american girl, Eleri, next month. We haven't seen each other since I left London last year so I'm super stoked!! Between her in-laws (they're awesome) visiting and prenatal appts we will spend some time adventuring around her new area of Watford, maybe something in the city and just share space.

My old flatmate has a place in France that he does work on every few months and this trip happens to fall during my time in the UK! I'm going to head over with him for a few days to help clean up and paint a bathroom then a slew of our friends are coming over for bbq's and camping!

It will be great to see some people from my time in London as well... go out and enjoy the Summer Solstice, nice brews and the british culture... oh maybe some yummy curry! I'm getting excited!

you have no life

5th grade girls: Ms. Miller, do you have a boyfriend?
Me: no
them: an ex-boyfriend?
Me: yes
them: do you have any kids?
Me: no
them: Wow, you don't have a life.

Through the eyes of a 5th grader I have no life. Ha.

Last day at the oficina!

Crazy. It has been six months since I began work with the consulting company. The last month has been really rough… on my emotional side of things, but I’m talking about the fact that I was in my cubicle with no sign of my teammates for one full month (lots of programs across the country), and the only evidence of life was the occasional sneeze of a girl several cubes over (“bless you” was my most common phrase). Thankfully, with this being my last week here, I actually had warm bodies to say good-bye to. Two of my coworkers were in the office today and took me to lunch, which was super nice and made me sad to leave. On paper, I always say this job would be great, but in reality I have been in the office at a computer for all of six months except one week at a seminar. That’s a lot of office time for the non-office girl I am. It has been great to redeem the world of leadership development for me though. When I left the the consulting company I worked for during grad school I was burnt out and kinda beat up by one of my supervisors. I was hesitant to get back into this industry, but I have been pleasantly surprised at how much I can still nerd out about leadership.

I’m not sure how much y’all have read between the lines, but I took the job at the school. I will be the Director of Community Development and will start in July. I am hesitant in a few areas but I look forward to some of the known challenges and the guaranteed smile when I get pictures from kindergarteners telling me about a fish that for the common folk looks like a blob. I would like to integrate some of what I’ve enjoyed in leadership development into my job over there so be thinking (and praying) about that one for me.

Last day in a cube! Woot woot! I need a dance party to seal this deal.

Bluegrass in the springs tonight with some of my fave peeps down there… and my sis is coming with me (more on her move-in coming soon!).

ps I’m feeling more alive so in case anyone was getting really worried about me, I’m coming around…

nectar

nectarines. white nectarines to be exact. they were on sale last week at sunflower market AND they were ripe! I bought one, pressed it against my lips and nose and breathed in a deep nectarine breath. How delightful that scent is, so rich in sweetness and summerness.

fruits and veggies till noon!

Liz said she read somewhere about eating fruits and veggies in the first phase of the day (4am-noon) then whatever you normally eat from noon till 8. Its supposed to clean your toxins out and some other good things... I'm learning more about it but it sounds like good logic. There is a wealth of knowledge out there and you can get uber obsessed if you want, but I'm just easing into this bc i like breakfast. I will miss it.

I'm pretty healthy already but man my sister has gotten on a crazy kick with all this. She juices everything. Actually, she has a cool juicer that can basically grind up a skillet for your iron smoothie... jk, but it really does work wonders. She makes this awesome pate of sorts with sunflower seeds (raw, soaked for a few hours), bell peppers, sundried tomatoes and some garlic. Wow, its pretty incredible. Mine is a wimpy Jack LaLanne but I've been doing some nice concoctions of carrot, apple, ginger, spinach for my pre-noon juice fix.

sisters.

my big sis moved in with me this weekend! She's subletting for the summer and, though we are family and will have rough spots to be sure, I'm really excited for the good times. There is potential for fun and friendship in this rare season for sisters. Its nice to be around someone who gets the weird quirks that come from being raised by our parents.

I'll post some sister pics when I get my butt in gear and upload them...

From Halloween Team '08

but in the meantime... liz and i for halloween this past year in santa fe

correspondence about a life worth living

I haven't written in a while. Its been an interesting few weeks. This is correspondence between myself and a friend in the air force. I have been so thankful to good friends loving me well in the midst of an unusually difficult time. A few in particular (by no means fully representative).

Kristina - I remember saying at her wedding that she has taught me so much through her words. She truly has. She reminds me that its okay to be me... to embrace the feelings, tough or good and give myself room to grieve.
Katie - an amazing frittata and simply saying "i feel ya"
Cam - a hug in the joe pug concert (soundtrack of your life stuff going on around) and confidently telling me "you'll get through this"
Devi - words of encouragement and a reminder of the alternative to truly living

---------------------
RWS -

I spent saturday with the Hooks here in Denver. Ward and Nik's Aunt Michelle came into town bc Vicki was rallying people for the NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) walk and bbq afterward. I sat on the couch and chatted with Ward for a couple hours. He is such a riot, still spry and sassy, full of the confidence of a handsome 20-something. He said he'd break up with his girlfriend for me if I wanted him to. Seriously, I hope I have a similar spirit when I am old - not the part about bustin a move on someone 1/4 of your age, but that fearlessness that is uncommon with people his age.

My grandmother stays in her house, reads the paper, watches the news and listens to it on the radio. She is afraid of a great many things. She gets nervous when I travel, panicked when she knew I was trapsing around Italy without a male companion and was concerned about my job as a barmaid in london. When she was my age, in the early 1950's, she had ridden a bus/train from coast to coast and was dating a man 20 years older than her who she ended up marrying. He was a chaplain in the army, they were stationed in Hanau and adventured across Europe, hopped cargo planes to Africa and took their kids on road trips through Mexico. When I think of Maggie and Ward I think my grandparents were similar in their early years, as a couple and as their kids grew up. When did my grandmother start to fear more than she took risks? I know it's an incremental descent into that mentality, but what did ward and maggie do to keep hope and challenge the norm? I have no comprehension of living with an aged body and having more friends in heaven than here on earth with you, which I am sure make it difficult to maintain optimism.

This past month my uncle passed away. He was my dad's oldest brother, and the last one alive. He had taken my family in when my dad died, and my cousins when theirs did as well. He challenged me to reach my potential and was the closest resemblance of my dad I had. I've had lots of death in my family and friends through the years, more than most I guess, but I've still been hopeful, confident of the purpose in each life and death despite that it may take years to grapple with the reality of the loss. But my uncle's death chipped away at my confidence. I began to think of all the people I have built relationships with, friends fathers that picked up the slack when they could, rallied for bball and vball games, etc. I got angry that there were so many. Why did I let myself love and be loved by so many people? I was angry at the pain I was setting myself up for if they too began to die. I made myself take a slower week/weekend when I started to feel anxious about all this. I'm not an anxious person by nature so this kinda freaked me out. I reflected on this anger and realized that, if unchallenged, these emotions could drive me to live in fear, to never be out in the arena. I never want to live like that. I want to be one of the ward and maggie's out there - granted, they have their hangups, but their adventurous optimism is rare and something I'd like to emulate. Its never been something I've had to work at until now.

I had just intended to write to you about Ward and his fiery spirit, but I suppose I needed to process this in writing more than I realized. Would love to hear your thoughts!

...

Leah Miller! It is so great to hear from you woman!

I'll just get to the point: I really, really appreciated your words
here. Friends who only express thoughts on weekend plans or 'whose
gonna win the game' are a dime a dozen...Not Ms. Leah...

I've already known that we share a love for the older generation, but
I now I think I see something else we have in common: A thirst for a
clear vision of the lives we want to lead, and the people we want to
be. The gray-haired crowd provide an amazing tool for perspective
here, and I think it's sad that they often get neglected for these
(slightly selfish) purposes, not to mention that general neglect is just
plain wrong.

Leah, I am deeply saddened to hear about the loss of your uncle.
Dealing with death is so painful and often confusing. I wish I could
be there for you while you're hurting, but please know that I will be
keeping your heart and mind in my prayers. God makes so many bold
promises about so many things. He promises eternal joy if you believe
in and follow the example of his Son. He promises to give you rest
when you abide in Him. He also promises that you will go through
plenty of trials and tribulations while we're here on earth, so that
you may build patience... which leads to crowns (rewards) ...which
ultimately leads to greater eternal joy in Heaven. My primary prayer
request for you will be that His spirit simply gives you confidence in
His promises.

I'm confident that you'll eventually see this era of your life as a
blessing, because the most shiny things of the soul are born from pain
(e.g Johny Cash's music, US Declaration of independance, The Karate
Kid's crane kick [sorry-had to]). In fact, I can't think of one
enduring life lesson I've ever learned when all things were rosy. My
advice may be unconventional, but here it is: Mourn. Remember those
who are gone. Miss them. Ask questions to God, your friends, your
family....they can even be angry questions. The moment you stop
engaging in life's big questions when you experience trauma like
this...the moment your heart becomes timid and cold, thereby making
the devil's tactics against your heart successful. I lost many
battles of the heart in my early 20s. I experienced a 3 year period
of seamless family tragedy and confusion, culminated by the death of
my mother...and my foundations were shaken to the core. I was indeed
the worst version of myself at that time, wearing a plastic smile all
the while. Don't do it! Don't close up. It's a dead-end road.

Your grandmother, who seems to fuel her tank with caution... and Ward,
who seems to feed more on verve and adventure... are the sum of the
exact same thing: Their daily, hourly, and minute-by-minute choices.
I thought you chose your words wisely when speaking of the
'incremental descent' of a fearful mentality. It's true. You could
wake up one morning 30 years from now and be a jerk, miser, a nag, or
a coward...OR...an elegant philanthopist, a vivacious comedian, or a
lionhearted saint who is still in absolute awe of the life we've
you've been given. It truly is up to us to choose what we do with the
gifts God has given us, and the mentality we hold as we climb the
mountain of life.

I appreciate C.S Lewis's thoughts on old people - he basically said
it's easy to confuse wisdom for caution among the elderly. By the
time we're old and gray (if that's our lot in life) we'll have seen
and experienced a lot. We will also have certainly suffered more than
we have at this point. Now...call me a self-sadistic weirdo, but I
just don't feel comfortable going to the grave unscathed and
unbattered by life. If God's promises are true (I certainly believe
they are), then we virtually begin this life as a big block of clay,
destined for an amazing, specific, sanctified masterpiece by the
Sculptor. The problem is, of course, that being carved sucks...bad.
It's painful. The short-term view of this process feels pointless and
cruel. It's not. It's for our eternal joy that we couldn't justly
inherit on any other terms. If we lose perspective of this in our old
age, then God help us. I myself will be going for the more Ward-like
rout, "Dear life: just try to rain on my parade...I dare you."

...

From PJ's

This is actually from the festivities (thats the kind of woman she was)
at the funeral for Maggie (of Ward and Maggie)
Dane. Summer. Nik. RWS. Me. Joe. Brad.

shortness of breath

I have been commonly elected as the most high strung Miller family member... sometimes Liz is, then Arthur has his whole other ball of intensity, but people say I'm serious. Other people think I'm free-spirited, etc. This week. I. am. anxious.

I felt my heart race as we waited in line for free pasta at the end of the Snug Run (5k with the incentive of free pasta and cheap beer. it gets my ass out on the trail for sure:) but the line was not moving. The pasta was nowhere to be seen. Sweaty people poured into the cavern under the snug and my heart began to race. It raced, my breath was not keeping very good time (not bc i ran like crazy or anything, this was a good 10-15 minutes post-5K) and I felt an unfamiliar panic take over. I'm not claustrophobic, in fact my ideal bedroom would be like the one in brigadoon where its more of a closet with no windows and you can cozy into the nook. Three more times it has happened since last Thursday. I am stressed and I need it to go away soonish.

As Athena and I drove down to the Springs yesterday she turned down the music and asked me to tell her about everything that was making me feel so anxious.

There are small boy-issues:

1. a good guy friend I'm not sure if I have more feelings toward. A coworker asked 20+ questions about said friend then gave me his theory on our friendship-should-be-relationship and proposed we "try it out" or something. I told him he just jacked my whole paradigm and I didn't appreciate it but he got in my head and now I've been battling the "do I like him like that? He doesn't give good hugs though. But he does like......" and I curse my coworker. grrrr.
2. Having to let go of a daily-banter-boy that makes me smile bc emotions were getting tangled in and it was an unrealistic crush.
   

Work. I have been offered a great position at a school I love and believe in.

1. I don't think the salary is fair... but we're in an economy that is less flexible than any time I've known.
   
2. I don't feel valued, appreciated, sought after... for my education, experience and commitment I've made for the past 6 months... but there is a season in everyone's life where we have to prove ourselves (and maybe that season is longer than I'd like).
3. I don't trust every piece of the organization... so when are we a part of the change and when is it too much to take on without letting it chip away at your optimism?
4. It could be a great learning experience - to be a part of a startup school, exposure to great organizations, go home with hilarious stories of kids thoughts on life, partner with a dear friend in a similar school, encourage kids that may not have much encouragement at home, consistent income with benefits (not that i EVER go to the stinking doctor... I DO need to visit a dentist though. that could be nice).

My uncle dying has stirred in me a world of feelings, thoughts and experiences from my past that are yet to be dealt with for the first time, second time or others that I face daily.

1. I miss my dad. But you are loved. You are loved by friends, family and a number of good men that have stepped in as fathers when you have needed them.
   
2. Who will I ask about my dad that knew him better than my uncle? My dad's cousins, Bobby and Cheryl, said they'd love to share stories of their childhood with my dad and his brothers. They apparently have a farm a couple hrs from Denver as well as close friends here in town and would LOVE to get together as much as possible.
3. After my car accident I have a subtle fear of intersections and driving in high-traffic times. Since my uncle passed I can't help but think of every one of those father-figures in my life and wonder how much death I can handle. I am not a fearful woman (i may have to repeat this a few more times today) but I now see more clearly the risk you take when you love deeply... the pain when that love is lost and your heart is broken. I can't give up now, but God give me strength.
4. I worry about Aunt Clare, my older brother, keeping in touch with that side of the family, the Miller legacy, etc.

So i guess there is a lot feeding my anxiety. I know it won't just go away, but I need to embrace these things and move through them.

I babysat friday and saturday night though... all is not lost. Here are the girls that made me laugh this weekend:

Hunter and Ava... too freaking cute!

julia (aka judo)

and my dear friend calley.

sorting it through

i'm still sorting through it all, the death and reality of life after another father-figure dies. tough stuff that won't be sorted anytime soon but has prompted a reclusive season... and negotiating for a potential job and discouraged by 1.the lack of pursuit by potential employer as well as 2.my own ego so apparently in tact.

a happy picture from time at home with two of the kiddos. Ruby and half of benjamin.

When asked to write about heroes, one 5th grader notes Rosa Parks and the other Run DMC. Thank you pop culture.

the void

This was one train of thought I had about Uncle Shelby. Its the selfish part of what I'll miss. There's more, like his example of strength to live on without both parents or any of his brothers, his love for aunt clare that represented struggle and perseverence followed by a depth you don't see these days. He was so calm in his strength, but fierce with his passion for each of us to reach our potential, no excuses no matter the hardship.

The "25 random things" about yourself on Facebook was an internet phenomen they say. When you really look at those types of things, it makes sense. We all want to be heard, to be thought of as unique or special. Therefore, the opportunity to share a whopping 25 of those unique-ities about oneself fills a very present void. The void can also be filled by faith – in a God that constantly affirms our identity as a specifically created being.

Sometimes that little (or gaping) place in my heart has been filled by my parents, grandparents, aunts or uncles that have seen my soul form since I was little and exclaim at the smallest of feats. The moment my mom brought me a Gatorade to my little league game, even though I didn’t play enough to sweat, I felt like a star. I remember sitting on my front porch of “the yellow house” while my dad rolled a joint (yes, didn’t know it back then, but now I know why pot smells like home) and we talked about life. He made me feel special as we sat in silence while fishing or he taught me a new bball move. My uncle Shelby, oldest Miller brother, stepped in when his baby brother, my dad, passed away. He would call and ask about our report cards, check on our bball skills, come watch games, scream louder than anyone else when each of us walked across the stage at graduation. I remember when I was really little and he taught all us Miller girls a song “I’m a pretty little girl, with a pretty little figure so stay away boys till I get a little bigger.” He made us sing it every time we came to visit. He reminded me that I was unique, worth great things and destined for more than mediocrity. He has been a voice in my head when I question whether I should challenge myself in my education, career, athletics or love. I picture him telling me how proud he is of me and asking the tough questions that kept me accountable. And I knew that if he didn’t, my Aunt Clare would fill right in.

My Uncle Shelby passed away last night. My little heart is sad. It is the ending of the Miller era, he being the oldest and last surviving Miller brother. In many ways its like my dad’s death all over again, but this time as an adult. His legacy will help fill this void.

brain-break meets productivity police.

Sometimes when I’m bored and needing a brain-break I peruse blogs. I start with the one’s specifically related to Young Professionals or Leadership-esque stuff, such as myself (ha), then I slip over to the ones that brighten my day with an obscure story or update on close friends life. I feel guilty. I have an overactive conscience. Even if I truly believe I am more productive when I take a few minutes to breathe and “shift gears” I still feel guilty like the productivity police are going to come around the computer and shut me down. True confession.

heart heavy.

I've contemplated writing about my trip home for the past few weeks. I am still wrestling with some of what occupied my thoughts while home. The light, laughter-infused moments were plentiful - dinner parties, sister time, watching ruby (now 2 yrs old!) play with the month-old pups in the back yard, live music with the Hillbilly Potentates and Aaron's new band, embraces from people that know my soul without knowing my life.

The heavy stuff came as I heard about marriages and relationships that are such a burden that some have lost hope. My friend Devi wrote (her blog is great) of a wedding day in which she looked at the bride, and though beautiful as she was, Devi saw hope capturing the bride's expression."There is a swelling expectancy inside for a better, sweeter life that is literally just an hour or two away. " I am a hopeful romantic and I hate to see that hope chipped away in the eyes of people I love. Some seemed weary, others bitter and some simply discouraged. I don't have the answers but it made my heart heavy to see what I am often reminded of - we are fallible and the union of two people is only worth hoping for when God is given room to redeem us, as individuals, but even more miraculously, as he brings us together. More thoughts on this, but this is the most succinct I can make these thoughts as of today.

On a lighter note, here are pics from the fun stuff...

From Spring Breakish Homeland

Myself, Megan and Keely Rae from our unplanned-twinky run/jog session

From Spring Breakish Homeland

My little Ruby - what a beautiful little person.

From Spring Breakish Homeland

Big brother Arthur, Kristi and nephew Parker's 1st bday cake!

From Spring Breakish Homeland

Ruby and my little bro - she screamed "roooowwwwlin! rollin!"

From Dinner/Game Night at Megs

Dinner Party with good people... smattering of new and old friends.

From Dinner/Game Night at Megs

chopper buttfart (megs dog) with booty in the face.

From Dinner/Game Night at Megs

Surprise Leah! The magazine was good... I was just reading.

From Dinner/Game Night at Megs

Megan and her following.

blow. check for color & consistency. breathe and repeat if necessary

Does anyone else blow their nose then promptly open the tissue to see what just came out of their stuffed nostrils? For the past couple weeks I’ve had a head-cold, the most long-lasting, isolated and literal HEAD COLD I think I’ve ever had. Therefore, this is common routine, much to the chagrin of my coworker a few cubes over, I’m sure. I remember my mom was able to gauge the progress of my recovery by the color and consistency of my hard work so now its just second nature for me. Is it for you? Pray tell… everything you ever wanted to know about phlegm.

Sidenote: After closer examination and discussion with my coworkers (not about the boogers, but the head-cold-ness of the situation) I have kinda come to the conclusion that I have allergies. I am not sold on this yet bc I've never had nor want to have allergies.

filtered info... feast your eyes on this beauty

For a visual explanation of why this is better than google see here. I like Dan Roam so this is just a fun visual either way.

Not sure if I'm the last to find out about this site, but Guy Kawasaki and a couple other information superheroes have created this great resource to help you find your little nuggets of goodness (all the news/resources for whatever topic you're searching for).

Enjoy and tell me if you've seen this already...

x L

I was in Spain this week...

I get bored at work sometimes. I need a little spice in my life and oftentimes my cube doesn't suffice. I go places. Each week I pick a different picture from my adventures, change my background pic on my computer, close all the windows and pretend I am there.

From Spain '07

This week was Spain. In the fall of '07, while living in England, I was fortunate to visit my friend Jason in Granada for a week. Since finishing up college, I made a decision to visit him every year he lived in Spain, so I did. This was my 3rd and final trip to see Jason since he just moved back to the states before heading south for the winter. Back to my escape... we were standing on a ledge in order to look out over the tourists at the captivating sunset. To the east was the Alhambra, sitting in front of the snowcapped Sierra Nevada's, and the west were rich orange, violet, coral hues spreading across the sky. These were the colors that inspired me to get pastels when I was in elementary school (I have yet to come close to recreating a good sunset, but I still try). We had hiked up the cobblestone streets, bought a couple Alhambra beers, chatted with the gypsies until the cops ran them off and then we watched. We stood and soaked it all in.

missin the music

Martin Sexton is playing tonight at the Boulder Theater. He's one of my favorite people to see live. Dang it I wish I was going to be there but I'm heading to the homeland... piss. Go if you can or make it to another show he's doing around colorado these next few days. Love him.

did you swallow a balloon, ms. miller?

an excerpt from an email i sent to my dear friend and former boss, aaron:

I spent all day till 4 with a bunch of kids who crack me up and tell me things like “ms. Miller what happened to the big bump on your belly… it looks like you swallowed a balloon” to which I responded, “well, Akolda, I didn’t actually swallow a balloon.” And I jumped to catch the football (recess duty for 2 hrs:) as one kid exclaims, “You can jump and catch the football?!... You’re not just a normal teacher?!” Yes, my days are full and it reminds me to take it all a little less seriously. I cook a lot and tried a chianti the other day that was yummy – I think I emailed it to you. I don’t have a lot of spare cash but its oddly freeing to be so frugal. I probably, no definitely, needed to learn something in that area of my life.

No good man stories of late. I had a boy drunkenly express his infatuation, while sharing his insecurities about his relationship with current girlfriend. Kinda over that whole genre of man... i get that they struggle with what to do but i am over attracting them. I know i have some responsibility in there since this is becoming a trend so I need to evaluate my interactions. I have been trying to get my work/money situation squared away so I haven’t had a ton of time to invest in finding a mate or anything but I know if I took too much time to sit still I might be a little lonely for a life partner. I went on a walk around my neighborhood (super sweet/freakin awesome) with a friend from home that was in town for meg’s bday and I had forgotten how nice it is just to have someone of the opposite sex to share life with like that, wandering down the streets talking nonsense or serious stuff. I look forward to that. In the meantime I’m meeting some cool people, and hearing new thoughts on life/love/Jesus, which is usually a good thing for me.

I miss the house parties and leisure mornings of tea and hippie flakes at Sacred Grounds… I never thought of Ruidoso as a mountain town, probably because I hadn’t spent much time in any others, but now that I’m in the land of plenty in that genre, I appreciate the intimacy of our circle of local love – the fact that you can email my mom something and the whole town knows, and that Landlocked has become a staple for our local and tourist economy. I do miss the homeland, in a way I haven’t before… when I think of home my heart is warmed at the thought of people I know and fellowship with friends who might not hang out in a big city but have found camaraderie in each other, all coming in sync in an unusually attractive town.

x Miller

EDIT: I realize that for some people the paragraph about "the type of men I'm attracting" may have been vague... I have not been dating or entertaining these types of men, but have been discouraged by a trend of attracting them for reasons which I am exploring.

Bridges||Basketball||Bicycles

I got in a car accident earlier this week. I had just called my boss to explain that my usual 20-minute commute had turned into an hour because people didn’t know how to drive in the snowish ice thing we woke up to that morning. Within a couple minutes there I am, exiting off the interstate and unable to slow down on the iced ramp. Thankfully the light was green as I looked up, but then it was yellow and then it was red while I slid through… crossing through a six-lane intersection without anything to do to stop. Thankfully a few lanes saw me and though they looked at me like the idiot person running a light, they still saw me and stopped… then the last lane had a truck in it that didn’t see me. She maimed my right front side of the car (in front of the passenger seat) and thankfully we were both fine. It took them awhile to get our cars apart, her hitch was hooked into my car apparently.

I have insurance which is great… a deductible which isn’t, but at least the car is fixable and I’m alive. I have generous friends who have let me borrow cars and taken me places and even one who said I could borrow her car to go on my trip to the homeland next week:)

Sooooo I’ve been riding my bicycle more frequently than before. Yesterday I was riding around and I smiled more. I noticed things I hadn’t before on my trek home from work. I was going on the cherry creek bike path, which took me under a bridge and suddenly my face lit up… it startled me, “leah, why are you smiling a little fat-kid smile?” I thought. I LOVE bridges! I mean I really really love bridges. Ever since I was little there was something soothing about a bridge – the fact that water is there, the one we had to cross over before hiking up to the hot springs. You can usually find some good fishing under the dark places. In Arkansas we would jump off the bridges. When I was little we would float down the river and hang out under bridges. I like them. I smile under them.

The fam in front of the bridge up to the hot springs a while back

My dear friend Bodie was celebrated last night with drinks and holla’s at GooseTown Tavern so I rode my little bike over to join in. On my way I passed by a blacktop with an older man and two boys shooting hoops. The man, I assumed to be the dad, was trying to show the boys his mad skills as he went for a jump shot. I smiled. I love the way sports can bind a family together. Some of my favorite memories with my dad are from little league games he coached, watching he and my cousins and uncles play games in front of the house and shoot from the cloud (part of the pavement was missing so they filled it in with concrete) for extra points. Or the games he played for the Chiefs, in their short shorts and tube socks – my dad was a badass bball player. I smiled a lot yesterday. Not that I want my car to be in the shop for the next few weeks but I do look forward to the things I’ll notice on my bike… the moments I’ll smile.

this is my meager attempt at taking a pic of a pic minus the scanner...
me as a wee little lassie giving my dad a good luck kiss at his bball game:)

grrrrrrrraaaaaaa

that is me groaning from the thoughts of life on a sunday. as a friend mentioned, sunday's are not for existential discussions. I have fell victim to such a discussion, but more in my head and somewhat filtered by Tracie. My head can't really handle going into all the details, but basically a collision of thoughts happened over the weekend. It was bound to happen, I know, but when I start thinking it really just goes till there's resolution. A special thanks to Ben and Travis for spurring more reflection during the Frozen Dead Guy Days in Nederland.

The topic of these thoughts: simplicity.

simple living according to ____.

I wrote about my window washer friends this summer, all educated and capable of succeeding in corporate america, but opted for a laid-back, take-off-when-you-want lifestyle. I want to "reach my potential" but I also cherish the house parties with homemade food from the community garden back home... and the friends that come with a 'simpler' life (not simple people, but a more pure approach to life).

Ideal life - live in a commune, grow our own food, brew our own beer, have deep meaningful discussions about our little economy, etc. The friction comes in when you look at a greater purpose behind our lives - does all of that good energy from the commune just recirculate or are you pouring out that which was poured in? I literally have a headache so I'll stop, but this is where my mind has been wandering.

Pontiac

My first car was a Pontiac Sunbird SE Wagon. A few words to describe this car:

• red
• station wagon
• wrecked by older siblings
• windows didnt work
• started without a key
• standard with stripped clutch
• "ghetto-glider"
• eventually towed off our lot

OK. I've spent half an hour searching the web for a glorious picture of this wonderwagon but alas, no one photo-documented this bad-a (the little "a" was intentional) car. It would be helpful to have a pic to compare the subject of my next paragraph. ** edit... just added the link to a similar model as my little beauty. Picture that one in red.

Enter me driving down the highway to work... not one, not two, but three Pontiacs. Not just any Pontiac, these were
Pontiac Solstice's. Seriously, are these people ignoring the fact that a recession is taking hold of our economy? Either way, I was fighting a kindred connection with the operators of these vehicles since I was once a proud owner of a fine Pontiac.

The point of my story is not that I drove a ghetto-glider, but that Pontiac has some big sale going on or something.

peeing pearl

We went out for afternoon recess and the girls were all over the place - some on the monkey-bars, some playing kickball, basketball, "super-secret-club meetings," etc. As I'm taking a turn for a potty break two of my girls run up to me. One begins with, "Ms. Miller, Pearl peed her pants. She was playing and she just peed her pants." to which I reply (to Pearl, not the liaison), "Pearl, do you still need to go to the bathroom or are you okay now?"

P - "No, I'm fine." (she's just leaning against the rail like nothing's wrong. Apparently this class has several 'pee-ers' so it may seem more along the norm)

Me - Well Pearl, did you pee a lot? Do you need to go change your pants?

P- No, I'm ok. My mom does laundry in the washing machine (As she casually twirls around and I notice a huge wet spot from her pee...)

Me - Ok that is good. Well Pearl, is there any reason why you didn't ask to go to the bathroom?

P - Yes, Ms. Miller. Mr. F (disciplinary guy/hall monitor/maintenance) found Suzie and I in the bathroom talking a couple weeks ago. He told us to stop talking and we didn't so he told me I wasn't allowed to use the bathroom again.

Me - I am holding back laughter at this point - I know Mr. F meant that she wasn't to have bathroom breaks and talk the whole time, not "You can never use the bathroom at this school." At this point I have escorted her back into the building with the goal of a change of pants at the very least then asking Mr. F to clarify his 'ban' from the baño.

/j/am. /j/ar. /j/et. /j/anazia. /j/ayden. /J/esus.

I was giving a lesson on the letter 'j' today with the 1st grade girls. They seemed to know the 'j' sound very well and any time I said a 'j' word they would clap. After a couple exercises I had each girl go around the room and share a 'j' word they knew. We went through the easy ones - jam, jar, jet, jug, etc. Then we worked through names - Jake, John, Janazia, Jazmyn, Jayden and then comes Jesus. One little girl says (all the other girls are instructed to have 'bubbles' in their mouths while a person is speaking) loud and proud "/J/esus starts with a 'J.' J-esus loves me and I love Jesus!" She looks around the room and one girl follows with, "I love Jesus too." and another "Jesus is God's son!" to which another girl responds, "We know, we know..." Apparently these 1st graders are evangelizing in their classroom and its old news already.

birthday dinner

Last night we celebrated. The 25th was my 1/2 bday and today is my dads 54th bday. I made him dinner - Chicken wrapped around thyme with prosciutto wrapped around it, lightly breaded and cooked in a white wine/tomato sauce. Creme brulee with a nice flame to symbolize a little candle action. We listened to a mix of van morrison, billy joel, stevie wonder, martin sexton, jose gonzalez, amos lee and some other new stuff. He told me about work and how he may retire soon. He stopped to see the girls and soak in the hot springs on the way up to Denver and seemed excited about spending more time with all of us after he was done working. He's a good worker so I doubt he'll be an idle retiree. He asked about my training plan for the triathlon, gave me some tips and we looked up some short runs we could meet up for this summer. I told him about my job at the school and asked him what he thought since he's been in the education world for the last 20-something years. It was good to just relax and celebrate life together.

Sometimes I look at men in their 50's and I wonder what my dad would have been like now. Would last night have really gone like I imagined? Would he be the type of dad to make road trips to see all his kids? Would we talk about important things? Would I be sheepish about my faults still because he was such a perfectionist?

I know this may seem a bit odd, but in moments when I miss my dad I sometimes pretend we live life together, like birthday dinner hang outs. He wasn't around for the ipod era or even for me learning to cook. He only dreamt about me going to college and who knows if he thought of what I'd be doing at 25 1/2. Its therapeutic for me to occasionally trace life over the past 14 years in light of how my dad would have impacted each season. I wouldn't be me without these 14 years... I walk the ridge-pole of appreciating the opportunities to learn and grow in response to all that comes with a single-parent family, other dads that filled in, etc. while on the other side I wonder what would be different - would life be less rich minus that hardship, would dad have stayed involved in our lives...? God is good and these are questions with no answers (and no need for answers really).

alien war

I was cordially invited to join an alien war today at recess with 1st grade boys. I'm "in" with the "in" crowd.

magnifying glass v. airplane window

yesterday was a magnifying glass view of my life… As I babysat last night and headed home I reflected on my day/week. When I look at my life through an airplane window view I am pleased... content. I live near people that love life and enrich mine. I work two jobs that challenge me in different ways while broadening skills. I cook several meals a week, listen to good music and have access to good beer. Reminder to be in the airplane more and look through the magnifying glass in healthy portions. My mom always says to embrace your emotions, whatever they may be, but remember to not hold on too long.

2 least favorite words: "business attire"

My mind is full. My bank account is overdrawn. Somewhere in there my emotions were tapped and I cried. I jokingly drop the “I just wanna be held” card, but its true. I-just-want-to-be-held. I'm babysitting tonight so maybe I'll be the one doing the holding... still therapeutic somehow I guess.
Endurance. Mental stamina. These are things I’m working on. I remember looking at the gymnasium wall in 4^th grade PE class. We were learning words like “endurance” in relation to our Jumpathon in which I earned a striped jump rope with purple handles. Today, endurance looks like networking as though I am already connected and preparing for a career as though I don’t need one, having the peace of mind to endure the cruddy parts (bounced checks and a borrowed business suit) and repeating "this too shall pass" as I look toward 2009.

I signed up for a sprint triathlon with calley and camille... main goal - mental stamina. Those years of little league through high school athletics provided an avenue to set and achieve goals, something I miss and look forward to with this venture.

its potty-time

You would have laughed...
I was babysitting a 4yr old and she, all duded up in tights/leotard/princess dress, looks up at me in the middle of something and says, "I have to go to the potty." She sprints up the stairs and disappears. I hear some frustrating sounds so I go upstairs, assuming she has gotten into her other 25 swimsuits/leotards/princess dresses and find her naked in the closet. I reminded her of our rule of one outfit at a time and ask her where her other outfit went to which she replies,

"I don't know."
Me: "Sevilla. Where did you take your clothes off?"
her: "I don't know."

Me: "Sevilla, take me to them... sh ow me where they are."

She walks me to the laundry room and then to the dryer (full of clean clothes) and points to her outfit. She says, "It's dirty" which I feel as I pull it out of the dryer. She then says, "ummm I didn't make it to the potty fast enough." She not only peed, but seemingly "sharted" all up in that biznass and yours truly did the honors of "ok, lets make sure we wiped good" which she hadn't and then followed her to the bathroom only to realize her underooos didn't see all the damage… the bathroom floor and rug got a piece of it too.

After cleanup you had better believe if she hinted like she was thinking of the restroom I had her tucked under my arm so fast and hauled it to the bathroom. Funny night.

chicago = best vacation of 2009

I finally caved and went for it - the New Year's trip to Chicago. I'd debated and debated but alas, I went.

This was the advertisement: 19 people in one apartment for one week. 150 people confirmed for NYE festivities. "Leah, you help scrub floors and make food for the party and we'll make sure you don't go hungry this week."

The bases were covered and the trip was way more than what was advertised. The week consisted of whirlyball at midnight, burning champagne corks to draw mustaches, brewing beer, endless darts, pool and catch-phrase, sneaking into the aquarium (my first illegal activity I think), Bulls game, human pyramid of all the "hostel #4" residents, code words, taped up feet and sleeping in various positions on all sorts of beds/couches/floors/closets, etc. The list could go on, but I will just say that my life is better after spending one week with 19 people in an apartment which happened to be at least 4 times the size of mine. A few highlights in picture-form:

a little self-incriminating, but oh well. yep, unibrow and mustache!

Tapin it up... don't worry, Rebecca left a nice note explaining his situation.

Waiting in line at the aquarium... making fish-faces!

Oh my goodness... words... there are none that would suffice.

My dear Tara

two of my besties

A great example of talent and creativity

All the ladies of Hostel #4

Mike in his snazzy sweater!