I felt my heart race as we waited in line for free pasta at the end of the Snug Run (5k with the incentive of free pasta and cheap beer. it gets my ass out on the trail for sure:) but the line was not moving. The pasta was nowhere to be seen. Sweaty people poured into the cavern under the snug and my heart began to race. It raced, my breath was not keeping very good time (not bc i ran like crazy or anything, this was a good 10-15 minutes post-5K) and I felt an unfamiliar panic take over. I'm not claustrophobic, in fact my ideal bedroom would be like the one in brigadoon where its more of a closet with no windows and you can cozy into the nook. Three more times it has happened since last Thursday. I am stressed and I need it to go away soonish.
As Athena and I drove down to the Springs yesterday she turned down the music and asked me to tell her about everything that was making me feel so anxious.
There are small boy-issues:
- a good guy friend I'm not sure if I have more feelings toward. A coworker asked 20+ questions about said friend then gave me his theory on our friendship-should-be-relationship and proposed we "try it out" or something. I told him he just jacked my whole paradigm and I didn't appreciate it but he got in my head and now I've been battling the "do I like him like that? He doesn't give good hugs though. But he does like......" and I curse my coworker. grrrr.
- Having to let go of a daily-banter-boy that makes me smile bc emotions were getting tangled in and it was an unrealistic crush.
- I don't think the salary is fair... but we're in an economy that is less flexible than any time I've known.
- I don't feel valued, appreciated, sought after... for my education, experience and commitment I've made for the past 6 months... but there is a season in everyone's life where we have to prove ourselves (and maybe that season is longer than I'd like).
- I don't trust every piece of the organization... so when are we a part of the change and when is it too much to take on without letting it chip away at your optimism?
- It could be a great learning experience - to be a part of a startup school, exposure to great organizations, go home with hilarious stories of kids thoughts on life, partner with a dear friend in a similar school, encourage kids that may not have much encouragement at home, consistent income with benefits (not that i EVER go to the stinking doctor... I DO need to visit a dentist though. that could be nice).
- I miss my dad. But you are loved. You are loved by friends, family and a number of good men that have stepped in as fathers when you have needed them.
- Who will I ask about my dad that knew him better than my uncle? My dad's cousins, Bobby and Cheryl, said they'd love to share stories of their childhood with my dad and his brothers. They apparently have a farm a couple hrs from Denver as well as close friends here in town and would LOVE to get together as much as possible.
- After my car accident I have a subtle fear of intersections and driving in high-traffic times. Since my uncle passed I can't help but think of every one of those father-figures in my life and wonder how much death I can handle. I am not a fearful woman (i may have to repeat this a few more times today) but I now see more clearly the risk you take when you love deeply... the pain when that love is lost and your heart is broken. I can't give up now, but God give me strength.
- I worry about Aunt Clare, my older brother, keeping in touch with that side of the family, the Miller legacy, etc.
I babysat friday and saturday night though... all is not lost. Here are the girls that made me laugh this weekend:
Hunter and Ava... too freaking cute!
julia (aka judo)
and my dear friend calley.
1 comment:
Leah, my love. I understand. I just do.
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