nectar

nectarines. white nectarines to be exact. they were on sale last week at sunflower market AND they were ripe! I bought one, pressed it against my lips and nose and breathed in a deep nectarine breath. How delightful that scent is, so rich in sweetness and summerness.

fruits and veggies till noon!

Liz said she read somewhere about eating fruits and veggies in the first phase of the day (4am-noon) then whatever you normally eat from noon till 8. Its supposed to clean your toxins out and some other good things... I'm learning more about it but it sounds like good logic. There is a wealth of knowledge out there and you can get uber obsessed if you want, but I'm just easing into this bc i like breakfast. I will miss it.

I'm pretty healthy already but man my sister has gotten on a crazy kick with all this. She juices everything. Actually, she has a cool juicer that can basically grind up a skillet for your iron smoothie... jk, but it really does work wonders. She makes this awesome pate of sorts with sunflower seeds (raw, soaked for a few hours), bell peppers, sundried tomatoes and some garlic. Wow, its pretty incredible. Mine is a wimpy Jack LaLanne but I've been doing some nice concoctions of carrot, apple, ginger, spinach for my pre-noon juice fix.

sisters.

my big sis moved in with me this weekend! She's subletting for the summer and, though we are family and will have rough spots to be sure, I'm really excited for the good times. There is potential for fun and friendship in this rare season for sisters. Its nice to be around someone who gets the weird quirks that come from being raised by our parents.

I'll post some sister pics when I get my butt in gear and upload them...

From Halloween Team '08

but in the meantime... liz and i for halloween this past year in santa fe

correspondence about a life worth living

I haven't written in a while. Its been an interesting few weeks. This is correspondence between myself and a friend in the air force. I have been so thankful to good friends loving me well in the midst of an unusually difficult time. A few in particular (by no means fully representative).

Kristina - I remember saying at her wedding that she has taught me so much through her words. She truly has. She reminds me that its okay to be me... to embrace the feelings, tough or good and give myself room to grieve.
Katie - an amazing frittata and simply saying "i feel ya"
Cam - a hug in the joe pug concert (soundtrack of your life stuff going on around) and confidently telling me "you'll get through this"
Devi - words of encouragement and a reminder of the alternative to truly living

---------------------
RWS -

I spent saturday with the Hooks here in Denver. Ward and Nik's Aunt Michelle came into town bc Vicki was rallying people for the NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) walk and bbq afterward. I sat on the couch and chatted with Ward for a couple hours. He is such a riot, still spry and sassy, full of the confidence of a handsome 20-something. He said he'd break up with his girlfriend for me if I wanted him to. Seriously, I hope I have a similar spirit when I am old - not the part about bustin a move on someone 1/4 of your age, but that fearlessness that is uncommon with people his age.

My grandmother stays in her house, reads the paper, watches the news and listens to it on the radio. She is afraid of a great many things. She gets nervous when I travel, panicked when she knew I was trapsing around Italy without a male companion and was concerned about my job as a barmaid in london. When she was my age, in the early 1950's, she had ridden a bus/train from coast to coast and was dating a man 20 years older than her who she ended up marrying. He was a chaplain in the army, they were stationed in Hanau and adventured across Europe, hopped cargo planes to Africa and took their kids on road trips through Mexico. When I think of Maggie and Ward I think my grandparents were similar in their early years, as a couple and as their kids grew up. When did my grandmother start to fear more than she took risks? I know it's an incremental descent into that mentality, but what did ward and maggie do to keep hope and challenge the norm? I have no comprehension of living with an aged body and having more friends in heaven than here on earth with you, which I am sure make it difficult to maintain optimism.

This past month my uncle passed away. He was my dad's oldest brother, and the last one alive. He had taken my family in when my dad died, and my cousins when theirs did as well. He challenged me to reach my potential and was the closest resemblance of my dad I had. I've had lots of death in my family and friends through the years, more than most I guess, but I've still been hopeful, confident of the purpose in each life and death despite that it may take years to grapple with the reality of the loss. But my uncle's death chipped away at my confidence. I began to think of all the people I have built relationships with, friends fathers that picked up the slack when they could, rallied for bball and vball games, etc. I got angry that there were so many. Why did I let myself love and be loved by so many people? I was angry at the pain I was setting myself up for if they too began to die. I made myself take a slower week/weekend when I started to feel anxious about all this. I'm not an anxious person by nature so this kinda freaked me out. I reflected on this anger and realized that, if unchallenged, these emotions could drive me to live in fear, to never be out in the arena. I never want to live like that. I want to be one of the ward and maggie's out there - granted, they have their hangups, but their adventurous optimism is rare and something I'd like to emulate. Its never been something I've had to work at until now.

I had just intended to write to you about Ward and his fiery spirit, but I suppose I needed to process this in writing more than I realized. Would love to hear your thoughts!

...

Leah Miller! It is so great to hear from you woman!

I'll just get to the point: I really, really appreciated your words
here. Friends who only express thoughts on weekend plans or 'whose
gonna win the game' are a dime a dozen...Not Ms. Leah...

I've already known that we share a love for the older generation, but
I now I think I see something else we have in common: A thirst for a
clear vision of the lives we want to lead, and the people we want to
be. The gray-haired crowd provide an amazing tool for perspective
here, and I think it's sad that they often get neglected for these
(slightly selfish) purposes, not to mention that general neglect is just
plain wrong.

Leah, I am deeply saddened to hear about the loss of your uncle.
Dealing with death is so painful and often confusing. I wish I could
be there for you while you're hurting, but please know that I will be
keeping your heart and mind in my prayers. God makes so many bold
promises about so many things. He promises eternal joy if you believe
in and follow the example of his Son. He promises to give you rest
when you abide in Him. He also promises that you will go through
plenty of trials and tribulations while we're here on earth, so that
you may build patience... which leads to crowns (rewards) ...which
ultimately leads to greater eternal joy in Heaven. My primary prayer
request for you will be that His spirit simply gives you confidence in
His promises.

I'm confident that you'll eventually see this era of your life as a
blessing, because the most shiny things of the soul are born from pain
(e.g Johny Cash's music, US Declaration of independance, The Karate
Kid's crane kick [sorry-had to]). In fact, I can't think of one
enduring life lesson I've ever learned when all things were rosy. My
advice may be unconventional, but here it is: Mourn. Remember those
who are gone. Miss them. Ask questions to God, your friends, your
family....they can even be angry questions. The moment you stop
engaging in life's big questions when you experience trauma like
this...the moment your heart becomes timid and cold, thereby making
the devil's tactics against your heart successful. I lost many
battles of the heart in my early 20s. I experienced a 3 year period
of seamless family tragedy and confusion, culminated by the death of
my mother...and my foundations were shaken to the core. I was indeed
the worst version of myself at that time, wearing a plastic smile all
the while. Don't do it! Don't close up. It's a dead-end road.

Your grandmother, who seems to fuel her tank with caution... and Ward,
who seems to feed more on verve and adventure... are the sum of the
exact same thing: Their daily, hourly, and minute-by-minute choices.
I thought you chose your words wisely when speaking of the
'incremental descent' of a fearful mentality. It's true. You could
wake up one morning 30 years from now and be a jerk, miser, a nag, or
a coward...OR...an elegant philanthopist, a vivacious comedian, or a
lionhearted saint who is still in absolute awe of the life we've
you've been given. It truly is up to us to choose what we do with the
gifts God has given us, and the mentality we hold as we climb the
mountain of life.

I appreciate C.S Lewis's thoughts on old people - he basically said
it's easy to confuse wisdom for caution among the elderly. By the
time we're old and gray (if that's our lot in life) we'll have seen
and experienced a lot. We will also have certainly suffered more than
we have at this point. Now...call me a self-sadistic weirdo, but I
just don't feel comfortable going to the grave unscathed and
unbattered by life. If God's promises are true (I certainly believe
they are), then we virtually begin this life as a big block of clay,
destined for an amazing, specific, sanctified masterpiece by the
Sculptor. The problem is, of course, that being carved sucks...bad.
It's painful. The short-term view of this process feels pointless and
cruel. It's not. It's for our eternal joy that we couldn't justly
inherit on any other terms. If we lose perspective of this in our old
age, then God help us. I myself will be going for the more Ward-like
rout, "Dear life: just try to rain on my parade...I dare you."

...

From PJ's

This is actually from the festivities (thats the kind of woman she was)
at the funeral for Maggie (of Ward and Maggie)
Dane. Summer. Nik. RWS. Me. Joe. Brad.

shortness of breath

I have been commonly elected as the most high strung Miller family member... sometimes Liz is, then Arthur has his whole other ball of intensity, but people say I'm serious. Other people think I'm free-spirited, etc. This week. I. am. anxious.

I felt my heart race as we waited in line for free pasta at the end of the Snug Run (5k with the incentive of free pasta and cheap beer. it gets my ass out on the trail for sure:) but the line was not moving. The pasta was nowhere to be seen. Sweaty people poured into the cavern under the snug and my heart began to race. It raced, my breath was not keeping very good time (not bc i ran like crazy or anything, this was a good 10-15 minutes post-5K) and I felt an unfamiliar panic take over. I'm not claustrophobic, in fact my ideal bedroom would be like the one in brigadoon where its more of a closet with no windows and you can cozy into the nook. Three more times it has happened since last Thursday. I am stressed and I need it to go away soonish.

As Athena and I drove down to the Springs yesterday she turned down the music and asked me to tell her about everything that was making me feel so anxious.

There are small boy-issues:

1. a good guy friend I'm not sure if I have more feelings toward. A coworker asked 20+ questions about said friend then gave me his theory on our friendship-should-be-relationship and proposed we "try it out" or something. I told him he just jacked my whole paradigm and I didn't appreciate it but he got in my head and now I've been battling the "do I like him like that? He doesn't give good hugs though. But he does like......" and I curse my coworker. grrrr.
2. Having to let go of a daily-banter-boy that makes me smile bc emotions were getting tangled in and it was an unrealistic crush.
   

Work. I have been offered a great position at a school I love and believe in.

1. I don't think the salary is fair... but we're in an economy that is less flexible than any time I've known.
   
2. I don't feel valued, appreciated, sought after... for my education, experience and commitment I've made for the past 6 months... but there is a season in everyone's life where we have to prove ourselves (and maybe that season is longer than I'd like).
3. I don't trust every piece of the organization... so when are we a part of the change and when is it too much to take on without letting it chip away at your optimism?
4. It could be a great learning experience - to be a part of a startup school, exposure to great organizations, go home with hilarious stories of kids thoughts on life, partner with a dear friend in a similar school, encourage kids that may not have much encouragement at home, consistent income with benefits (not that i EVER go to the stinking doctor... I DO need to visit a dentist though. that could be nice).

My uncle dying has stirred in me a world of feelings, thoughts and experiences from my past that are yet to be dealt with for the first time, second time or others that I face daily.

1. I miss my dad. But you are loved. You are loved by friends, family and a number of good men that have stepped in as fathers when you have needed them.
   
2. Who will I ask about my dad that knew him better than my uncle? My dad's cousins, Bobby and Cheryl, said they'd love to share stories of their childhood with my dad and his brothers. They apparently have a farm a couple hrs from Denver as well as close friends here in town and would LOVE to get together as much as possible.
3. After my car accident I have a subtle fear of intersections and driving in high-traffic times. Since my uncle passed I can't help but think of every one of those father-figures in my life and wonder how much death I can handle. I am not a fearful woman (i may have to repeat this a few more times today) but I now see more clearly the risk you take when you love deeply... the pain when that love is lost and your heart is broken. I can't give up now, but God give me strength.
4. I worry about Aunt Clare, my older brother, keeping in touch with that side of the family, the Miller legacy, etc.

So i guess there is a lot feeding my anxiety. I know it won't just go away, but I need to embrace these things and move through them.

I babysat friday and saturday night though... all is not lost. Here are the girls that made me laugh this weekend:

Hunter and Ava... too freaking cute!

julia (aka judo)

and my dear friend calley.

sorting it through

i'm still sorting through it all, the death and reality of life after another father-figure dies. tough stuff that won't be sorted anytime soon but has prompted a reclusive season... and negotiating for a potential job and discouraged by 1.the lack of pursuit by potential employer as well as 2.my own ego so apparently in tact.

a happy picture from time at home with two of the kiddos. Ruby and half of benjamin.

When asked to write about heroes, one 5th grader notes Rosa Parks and the other Run DMC. Thank you pop culture.